6 Clever Ways to Survive a Loveless Marriage (Helpful Guide) | Family Life Share (2023)

6 Clever Ways to Survive a Loveless Marriage (Helpful Guide) | Family Life Share (1)

The concept of lovelessness has a broad meaning. But just to be clear, you feel unloved when you are not receiving the current need that you want. Clayton Paul Alderfer, a known American psychologist, defined the three needs that people aim for: existence needs, relatedness needs, and growth needs. If these are not met, we feel empty in a marriage.

You cannot change your spouse. You can give suggestions, requests and even demands, but it will still be his decision to do a 180-degree turn and transform his ways. The good thing is that you have control over your own life, your actions, and your thoughts. By pursuing those that will give you joy in your marriage and altering your mindset over your relationship, you can start surviving and thriving in your marriage.

Since you are willing to battle it out and survive a loveless marriage, you can apply these tips to not just exist in your marriage, but flourish in it.

My Spouse Does Not Give me Any Attention.

I have long feared the day when my husband will be too busy at work and not give me the attention that I need. He spends so much time in the office, and I cannot even talk to him about this issue in our marriage. I am also afraid that he might get angry with me because he told me before that he is doing this for our family and we both agreed that this is okay for us.

To survive—You can give attention to your husband in order to gain attention yourself. Start by texting him when he is at work. Tell him that you miss him and you long to spend more time with him. You can send him sweet texts and messages instead of demands to show that you care for your husband.

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My Spouse Does Not Give me Enough Quality Time.

I am not asking much from my wife. I just want her to sit with me and be by my side when I get home. I know that she has had a long day of taking care of the kids, but all I ask of her is just to give me some quality time.

To survive—Have a change of mindset first. You must not think of it as not giving enough time, but rather as a challenge in scheduling tasks and accomplishing activities for each day. If she does not have time for you, you can help her in planning her day. You can suggest a more convenient schedule for both of you.

This does not mean that she is the only one that needs to change her list of tasks. You also have to adapt your schedule to hers. In order to have time for each other, all it takes is to make her day’s timetable fit with yours.

Another way that you can create quality time for each other is by helping her with some of the tasks for the day. You can pick up the kids from school on specific days to alleviate her list of things to do. She will also have more energy to give more time to you and fulfill your need for quality time.

My Spouse Does Not Talk to me Anymore.

We do not talk to each other anymore. I mean, we talk if we want to discuss what food to eat or what to buy for the house. But we do not talk like we used to. We don’t spend time looking into each other’s eyes and conversing about our future, our feelings for each other, and our individuality.

To survive—If you have a husband that does not seem to want to talk to you, it may be because he got used to the norm of going through the daily chores and has forgotten to intimately communicate his thoughts to yours.

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Most men assume that everything is okay. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. He just thinks that since you are not saying anything, you are all good. We cannot treat husbands as psychics.If you want your husband to know that there is a problem, you should tell him that there is one.

Talk to him honestly about how you feel. Tell him that he does not really talk to you anymore. And if your husband asks you what he can do, then you can suggest ideas of the things that he can change from his usual routine or add to make time for your conversations.

If you have a wife that does not want to intimately talk to you, then there is a deeper problem than you think. The only way to solve this is by sitting her down and asking her what is wrong. Tell her that you noticed that she has been silent for a while and she doesn’t seem like the wife you knew before.

If she still does not talk, you can be the one who opens up first. By being vulnerable with her, you will encourage her to let her guard down, and she may offer information about her feelings and emotions.

My Spouse Does Not Give Adequate Provisions for the Family.

My husband is the only one working for the family. But it seems that the money he earns is not sufficient to sustain us. I sometimes think that he does not love us enough to exert his best effort.

To survive—You can start by changing your mindset first. Don’t doubt your husband’s love for you. And do not question his capability to earn. He already knows that he is not providing enough. You do not have to blatantly point this problem out to his face. Instead, you can appreciate his work and praise all his efforts. Give him the respect that he longs for.

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You can also give him suggestions on how the family can earn more. You can ask him if you can work for additional income. If you can start a business, ask his permission to do so. By giving him the authority over these decisions, you are still respecting him as the head of the family. He can also think rationally and not feel attacked or doubted.

My Spouse Had an Extramarital Affair.

I hate my wife for cheating on me. I thought that she loved me so much, and I never thought that she would do something like this to me. I spent so much time and effort at work to give her all she needs. Now, our marriage has fallen apart.

To survive—This is one of the most difficult situations to be in. Your spouse got attracted to another person. Think of it this way: no one says to herself, “I am planning to cheat on my husband today.” It happens because of particular circumstances that we allow.

Although men and women get attracted in different ways, the steps to extramarital affairs are the same. The needs of the person are not met. He looks for someone, either consciously or unconsciously, who can fill the void that his spouse is not providing. Because the needs are being filled, he gets attached to this person. Eventually, if he and the other person allow a deeper connection to occur, cheating happens.

The easy way out is to just get a divorce. But if you love your spouse, you can still stick to the relationship. Affairs often die a natural death when the other needs of the person are not being filled. He or she will eventually come back to you.

The hate and the hurt will still be there. But you should control your anger and ask your spouse if he wants to build your marriage once again. If he does, then start working on your bond and fix your relationship with the goal of restoring the connection and the trust.

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My Spouse Does Not Want to Support My Personal Growth.

I do not understand why my husband keeps holding me back when it comes to my career. I love my job, and I’ve been offered a promotion a few times. It would entail long hours in the office and possible business trips. But I promised him that I will still be spending my time with him during weekends. All he cares about is himself, and he does not think about my personal growth.

To survive—Tell him about your need to grow in your career. Be honest about what you feel. Marriage is about cultivating not only your relationship, but also your individual lives. Husbands and wives should help each other and not pull each other back.

But you should still reach an agreement. Most probably, if he allows you to pursue your career, he will demand conditions from you. Sort things out and reach an agreement to satisfy both you and your husband. And don’t forget to tell him that you love him.

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What is walkaway wife syndrome? ›

What Is a Walkaway Wife? Also referred to as the "neglected wife syndrome" and "sudden divorce syndrome," walkaway wife syndrome is "nothing more than a term used to characterize a person who has decided they cannot stay in the marriage any longer," says Joshua Klapow, Ph.

How do you coexist in a loveless marriage? ›

How to Cope and Stay Happy in a Loveless Marriage
  1. Change the Environment to Make It More Inviting. Bring about changes that make it possible to work on the relationship and make it more inviting for the two of you. ...
  2. Blame Less and Inspire More. ...
  3. Share More Experiences and Show Passion.

How does a loveless marriage affect a family? ›

Research has found that when parents are in an unhappy marriage, the conflict compromises the social and emotional well-being of children by threatening their sense of security in the family. This in turn predicts the onset of problems during adolescence, including depression and anxiety.

What is the #1 cause of divorce? ›

Lack of commitment is the most common reason given by divorcing couples according to a recent national survey. Here are the reasons given and their percentages: Lack of commitment 73% Argue too much 56%

What is stonewalling in a relationship? ›

What does it mean to stonewall someone? In simple terms, stonewalling is when someone completely shuts down in a conversation or is refusing to communicate with another person.

What is Gaslighting in a marriage? ›

The term gaslighting became popular in the 1960s. It is used to describe the manipulation of another person's perception of reality. Gaslighting is a common tool used by narcissistic and abusive spouses to control their partners. When done correctly, gaslighting can make a spouse doubt their own senses and memory.

What is emotional abandonment in marriage? ›

In the context of a marriage, the feelings of neglect, being left out, and not being heard are collectively referred to as emotional abandonment. It occurs when one partner is so preoccupied with their own concerns that they are unable to notice the struggles, concerns, or problems their partner is experiencing.

When should you walk away from a loveless marriage? ›

There are times you MUST leave—if there is ongoing abuse or if you are in danger of physical harm, you should only consider staying safe. Repeated bouts of addiction, cheating, emotional badgering, and severe financial abuse need to be handled with extreme care as well.

How do you stay in love in a sexless marriage? ›

How to cope with a sexless marriage
  1. Pick your moment to talk. ...
  2. Pick your moment to listen. ...
  3. Be honest with yourself and each other. ...
  4. Decide whether sex is a deal-breaker for either of you. ...
  5. Be patient. ...
  6. Seek help together. ...
  7. Kindness is sexy. ...
  8. Ban sex.
Sep 24, 2016

How do you deal with a passionless marriage? ›

The following tips may help you bring passion and excitement back to your love life.
  1. Take A Caring Approach. ...
  2. Work On Communication. ...
  3. Figure Out Why Your Marriage Is Sexless. ...
  4. Have Sex Without Intercourse. ...
  5. Explore Other Ways To Be Intimate. ...
  6. Find Other Outlets For Your Energy And Passion. ...
  7. Deal With Underlying Conflicts.
Feb 17, 2023

How do I focus on myself in a loveless marriage? ›

These are just a few ways reconnect with yourself while staying in an unhappy marriage. You may try to refocus on all the things that make you feel better about the person you are.
Get your groove back
  1. becoming the best parent possible.
  2. performing well at work.
  3. developing closer friendships.
  4. taking better care of yourself.

What age group does divorce affect the most? ›

Elementary school age (6–12) This is arguably the toughest age for children to deal with the separation or divorce of their parents.

What a loveless marriage does to you? ›

Research shows that people in bad marriages usually have low self-esteem, struggle with anxiety and depression, and have a higher rate of illness than those who don't. People feel sad and grieve when they decide to let go — but people who divorce do recover emotionally, and Cole says most find new relationships.

How long do you have to stay in an unhappy marriage? ›

Most couples wait an average of six years before seeking help. There's an important question you both need to answer if you are facing an ongoing unhappy marriage or divorce. Are you motivated to save your marriage? If so, are you willing to do whatever it takes?

What are the 3 I's that cause divorce? ›

Tess Brigham, a therapist, told Insider that over such a long marriage, tension can build up in one of three main relationship categories, or the three I's: incompatibility, infidelity, and irreconcilable differences.

What year of marriage is divorce most common? ›

While there are countless divorce studies with conflicting statistics, the data points to two periods during a marriage when divorces are most common: years 1 – 2 and years 5 – 8. Of those two high-risk periods, there are two years in particular that stand out as the most common years for divorce — years 7 and 8.

Who initiates divorce more often? ›

A study led by the American Sociological Association determined that nearly 70% of divorces are initiated by women. And the percentage of college-educated American women who initiated divorce is even higher.

What is bulldozing in a relationship? ›

'Bulldozers are people whose aggressive behaviour often intimidates you, the person you wish you could stand up to but feel you haven't got the confidence or the know-how to deal with. People who behave in this punchy, aggressive way are out to get their own way regardless of what other people think, do or say.

What is a backburner relationship? ›

According to the study, a back-burner is “a person to whom one is not presently committed, and with whom one maintains some degree of communication in order to keep or establish the possibility of future romantic and/or sexual involvement”.

What are the four horsemen in marriage? ›

The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling.

What are 4 major predictors of divorce? ›

The Four Horsemen are four communication habits that increase the likelihood of divorce, according to research by psychologist and renowned marriage researcher John Gottman, Ph. D. Those four behaviors are criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt.

What is a narcissistic husband? ›

A narcissistic husband is usually a very selfish person and will only think about themselves, and not about you or your relationship together. They might expect you to do all the housework, or they may want to have sex with you when they want it, but not when you want it.

How do you know when it's over? ›

There are also other warning signs, and if one or more of them are present in your relationship, it may be time to take action.
  • There's no emotional connection. ...
  • Communication breakdown. ...
  • Aggressive or confrontational communication. ...
  • There's no appeal to physical intimacy. ...
  • You don't trust them. ...
  • Fantasising about others.

Why do I feel so unloved by my husband? ›

Feeling alone and unloved in marriage can also be triggered by depression as well as jealousy and anxiety. These strong emotions can alienate a partner such that you fall into a vicious circle. All these are symptoms though that could mean something much deeper is going on.

What are the signs that your husband is not in love with you anymore? ›

25 Signs your husband isn't in love with you anymore
  • Increase in demand for personal space. ...
  • Decrease in communication or 'we' time. ...
  • Sudden increase in unrealistic expectations. ...
  • Constant arguments and fights. ...
  • Relinquished efforts and interest from his end. ...
  • Sex is missing. ...
  • Lack of affection. ...
  • He is cold and distant.
Jul 16, 2021

What a sexless marriage does to a man? ›

Anxiety, stress, and depression are also common sexless marriage effects on the husband. When a husband is denied sex at home for a long time, his mental health is likely to deteriorate from stress, overthinking, and inability to release the feel-good hormone from sex.

What a sexless marriage does to a woman? ›

The truth is, there are plenty of adverse sexless marriage effects on women. Such effects include: Feeling a loss of emotional intimacy/connection/friendship to her partner. Low self-esteem.

Is it better to divorce or stay in a loveless marriage? ›

A 2002 study found that two-thirds of unhappy adults who stayed together were happy five years later. They also found that those who divorced were no happier, on average, than those who stayed together. In other words, most people who are unhappily married—or cohabiting—end up happy if they stick at it.

What to do when the intimacy is gone? ›

If your intimacy is gone, there are some things you can do to understand why—and find ways to reignite the flames.
Fire Starter Tips:
  1. Don't look at what you've lost; look at who you're missing.
  2. Acknowledge and appreciate what your spouse does well.
  3. Stay curious.
  4. Do something different.
Jan 20, 2021

How many marriages end up sexless? ›

And many likely do last a lifetime, because couples fall into the trap of thinking that sexless marriages are “normal.” While they are common – estimates for the number of sexless marriages range from 10 to 20 percent of all marriages – if one or both partners are unhappy, that is never normal.

Can a marriage survive without intimacy? ›

Yes, sexless marriages can survive

Even if one or both people aren't happy with the lack of physical intimacy, that's an issue that can be worked on and improved over time.

How do you fix an irreparable marriage? ›

How to Fix Your Marriage: 13 Pro Tips
  1. Be Trustworthy. Demonstrate your reliability. ...
  2. Value the Little Moments. ...
  3. Take Time for Yourself. ...
  4. Ratio of 5:1 positives to negatives. ...
  5. Create a “Love Map.” ...
  6. Use a “soft startup.” ...
  7. Allow yourself to be influenced by your partner. ...
  8. Don't criticize, attack, or hold your partner in contempt.
Feb 8, 2021

What percentage of marriages are sexless? ›

One reason 25 to 50 percent of marriages are sexless in 2022.

What does emotional abandonment look like in marriage? ›

In the context of a marriage, the feelings of neglect, being left out, and not being heard are collectively referred to as emotional abandonment. It occurs when one partner is so preoccupied with their own concerns that they are unable to notice the struggles, concerns, or problems their partner is experiencing.

Why am I so disconnected from my wife? ›

Distance. Close relationships require meaningful time together. Some couples drift apart due to factors that keep them from being together. These can include being physically apart for long periods of time, working long hours or different hours than your spouse, working multiple jobs, and frequent travel.

Is it normal to feel disconnected from your wife? ›

There are seasons of your relationship when you'll feel less connected to your partner. Unless it is an ongoing, painful issue that's never resolved despite your best efforts, a momentary disconnect is normal—not a death signal. Life happens.

How do I deal with an emotionally distant wife? ›

How Do You Deal With An Emotionally Distant Partner?
  1. Accept differences. Your partner may simply be more private than you by nature. ...
  2. Don't demand connection. ...
  3. Give them some space. ...
  4. Try not to criticize. ...
  5. Focus on your own goals.
May 7, 2020


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