God wants us to be happy, right?
I hear it often in my work with couples. Two people on the brink of divorce, not because of abuse or infidelity, but because the relationship no longer makes them happy. As they describe, the excitement, curiosity, and fun they experienced at the beginning of their relationship are no longer there. Wedding vows may say, ‘till death us do part,’ but for many those words have lost their meaning.
The reality is that culture has changed and the beliefs we carry about marriage often mirror those changes. Truth today is seen as relative, feelings fuel our experience, and a consumer-driven mindset fosters more transactional attitudes toward relationships.
Instead of understanding God’s true purpose for marriage, we routinely view marriage based on what another person can do for us, what they can give us, and ultimately, how they make us feel about ourselves.
Bottom line: If happiness is your primary expectation of marriage, you will most likely find yourself disillusioned and disappointed.
Why Did God Design Marriage?
We must understand God’s design for us as individuals if we are to understand His design for marriage. While many Believers have a superficial notion of God as a ‘genie-in-the-bottle’ whose primary function is to make us happy, the Bible is clear that His design for His children is to make us holy (ie: sanctified, conformed to His image,) not happy. 1 Pet 1:15-16
A.W. Tozer describes, "No man should desire to be happy who is not at the same time holy. He should spend his efforts in seeking to know and do the will of God, leaving to Christ the matter of how happy he should be."
Tim Keller, pastor, author, and theologian, defines marriage as, "…a lifelong, monogamous relationship between and man and a woman. According to the Bible, God devised marriage to reflect the saving love for us in Christ, to refine our character, to create stable human community for the birth and nurture of children, and to accomplish all this by bringing the complementary sexes into an enduring whole life union."
Henri Nouwen states, "… marriage is foremost a vocation. Two people are called together to fulfill a mission that God has given them. Marriage is a spiritual reality. That is to say, a man and a woman come together for life, not just because they experience deep love for each other, but because they believe that God loves each of them with an infinite love and has called them to each other to be living witnesses of that love. To love is to embody God’s infinite love in a faithful communion with another human being.
Marriage is one of our greatest teachers because at its heart marriage surfaces the reality of who we are, what we expect, and how we engage others. No other relationship is as revealing and potentially transformative as the relationship with the one we have committed to permanently and intimately share our lives.
In a HuffPost article, author and speaker, Tyler Ward, concludes that marriage is about personal reformation. He describes, Although happiness is often a very real byproduct of a healthy relationship, marriage is designed to pull dysfunction to the surface of our lives, set it on fire and help us grow. The job of marriage is to refine our dysfunction and spur us into progressive wholeness.
Bottom line:The less you view your spouse as your savior and more as your companion on this journey of life, the more likely you are to pursue your own healing and growth. This will lead to cultivating more realistic expectations for your marriage, ultimately yielding greater stability, peace, and yes, happiness.
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What Does the Bible Say about an Unhappy Marriage?
It is important to distinguish between an unhappy marriage and a toxic/destructive marriage. For those who have experienced any kind of unrepentant adultery, abandonment, or repeated physical/emotional/verbal/sexual abuse, this article is NOT for you. In most unhappy marriages the issues are miscommunication, finances, unmet expectations, etc. Abuse of any kind is not acceptable in God’s design for mutual submission as couples grow together in Him.
Regarding marriage, Malachi 2: 15-16(NIV) says, Has not the one God made you? You belong to him in body and spirit. And what does the one God seek? Godly offspring.So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful to the wife of your youth. ‘The man who hates and divorces his wife,’ says the Lord, the God of Israel, ‘does violence to the one he should protect,’ says the Lord Almighty. So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful.
Biblically speaking, spouses don’t have the right to simply dissolve an unhappy marriage. God intended that marriage be for a lifetime.
Ephesians 5 describes marriage as a metaphor for our relationship with God. He is not capricious in His affections toward us, nor does His love depend on favorable circumstances. His relationship with us is solely based on His covenant with us. God wants us to remain faithful to our vows because He knows broken hearts, broken marriages, and broken homes can be redeemed for His ultimate glory.
Does this mean that God wants us to remain in an unhappy marriage? No. What He wants is for each of us to use our pain, our sorrow and disappointment, our loneliness and anger, as an invitation to pursue His healing. He wants us to understand what health looks like in our marriage—healthy expectations, communication, boundaries, and conflict resolution— so that we can experience transformation right where we are, rather than waiting to discover it in a new relationship.
Bottom line: An unhappy marriage should be an indicator that there are things God wants to address in our lives and in our marriages, so that we can pursue healing and wholeness in every area of our lives. God wants us to recognize issues within our marriage as they arise, be willing to address them, and work together towards personal and relational growth. If we do, we will continue growing together allowing us to develop greater connection, strength, and intimacy in our marriage.
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8 Signs That Your Marriage Is Unhappy
1. Are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling increasingly present in your marriage?
2. Do you often feel you have little to say to each other?
3. Do you fantasize about a future without your partner?
4. Do you and your spouse live separate lives?
5. Is there a lack of sex or physical affection in your marriage?
6. Do you often feel disconnected from your mate?
7. Is it easier to focus on everything else but the relationship?
8. Do you talk to your friends more than your spouse?
If you answered yes to one or more of these, chances are high that you are living in an unhappy marriage.
Does God Want You to Stay in an Unhappy Marriage?
Let me be clear, God does not want anyone to stay in an environment where they are not safe —physically or emotionally. Period. Yet too many couples who feel dissatisfied or unhappy in their marriages often miss the blessing God has for them and their children by leaving too quickly or not getting the help they need to adequately resolve their issues.
6 Ways You Can Begin to Reclaim Your Marriage
1. Stop blaming your spouse for your unhappiness. No one is responsible for your happiness but you. If you find yourself experiencing a lack of joy, personal fulfillment, or satisfaction in your marriage, do a personal inventory to assess the greatest areas of dissatisfaction as well as the causes for the dissatisfaction.
2. Pray. Ask God to reveal the areas of your heart that need His healing. Ask Him to show you the things for which you own responsibility. Ask Him to make clear the ways in which He wants you to grow, the things He desires you to learn to become more like Him.
3. Find specific ways you can pursue the healing to which God is calling you. Reach out to a trusted Christian therapist in your area that can help you heal areas of brokenness, cultivate new patterns, new skills, new ways of being that can transform both you and your marriage.
4. Stop looking at your mate as the villain in your life. Begin to see them as your friend. View them as honest, yet broken. Offer compassion to them on their healing journey. Pray for them. Make a list of qualities or behaviors you admire in them.Focus on these. Remind yourself of these attributes throughout the day.
5. Find ways to affirm your spouse. Instead of verbalizing criticism or contempt for what they don’t do, let them know what they do get right. Speak to them your appreciation. Find ways you can bless them —freely, without expectation.
6. Pray over your spouse and your marriage daily. Pray for protection from the enemy. Pray for each of you on your respective journeys. Pray for safety, vulnerability, and skills to work through the issues that are sure to arise in your marriage. Pray for wisdom and humility to reach out for counseling to help you heal and grow together.
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Verses about the Joy of Marriage
Love and faithfulness meet together; righteousness and peace kiss each other.
As a young man marries a young woman, so shall your Builder marry you, and as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride, so will your God rejoice over you.
Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.
Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor. If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
Blessed are all who fear the Lord, who walk in obedience to him.You will eat the fruit of your labor; blessings and prosperity will be yours.Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your house; your children will be like olive shoots around your table.Yes, this will be the blessing for the man who fears the Lord.
Prayer for a Happy Marriage
Dear Abba Father,
I long to know your healing in every area of my heart and in my marriage. Father, let my unhappiness point me to You, Your healing, Your purpose for my life. Show me areas of brokenness from my past that need to be healed so that I can walk in wholeness and freedom. Show me the expectations that You want me to have for my spouse and my marriage. Help me to learn better ways of communicating and of resolving conflict with my spouse. Reveal to me the ways I have failed my marriage and teach me how to both ask for forgiveness and offer it freely so that I can learn to love my partner well. Rekindle respect, trust, admiration, and love for my spouse and draw us together into a deeper connection and intimacy with You. Help me always keep my expectation on You so that I can glorify you in my heart and in marriage. Amen.
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FAQs
Does God want you to stay in a bad marriage? ›
Even if you did not say the words while exchanging marriage vows, the biblical standard is that marriage is for better or for worse. Jesus taught this in Matthew 19:6 when He said: “Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.”
What does the Bible say about staying in a toxic marriage? ›Isaiah 43:18-19 (NIV). You have to let go of any toxic relationship and put your trust in God. Many believers cry over their broken relationship because of the time and energy invested in the relationship, but I can assure you that God is fully aware of the situation.
Is it right to stay in an unhappy marriage? ›Staying in an unhappy marriage may breed feelings of insecurity, resentment, or despair, Neupert says, which may then lead you and your partner to argue more frequently. More frequent conflict can increase those negative feelings, creating an emotionally draining cycle.
Does God ever tell you to leave your marriage? ›Does God tell you to leave your husband? 1 Corinthians 7:10-11, “To the married I give this charge (not I, but the Lord): the wife should not separate from her husband (but if she does, she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband), and the husband should not divorce his wife.”
When God gives you signs to leave a relationship? ›1 You have a gut feeling. 2 He pushes you to disobey God. 3 He disregards your boundaries. 4 You don't feel in control around him.
What does the Bible say about leaving your marriage? ›To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.
What does God say about struggling marriages? ›Constant Conflict – (Ephesians 5:33)
“If your marriage is filled with conflict, don't give up.” This scripture instructs a husband to love his wife as he loves himself and that his wife must respect him. If your marriage is filled with conflict, don't give up.
Toxic relationships are not necessarily lost causes; in many cases, with appropriate therapy, bad behavior patterns can be corrected in order for a healthy marriage to thrive. It takes time and effort, but it is absolutely possible.
When should you walk away from an unhappy marriage? ›There are times you MUST leave—if there is ongoing abuse or if you are in danger of physical harm, you should only consider staying safe. Repeated bouts of addiction, cheating, emotional badgering, and severe financial abuse need to be handled with extreme care as well.
Is it better to divorce than stay in an unhappy marriage? ›The study found that on average unhappily married adults who divorced were no happier than unhappily married adults who stayed married when rated on any of 12 separate measures of psychological well-being. Divorce did not typically reduce symptoms of depression, raise self-esteem, or increase a sense of mastery.
Why would a woman stay in an unhappy marriage? ›
Fear. The threat of physical violence, further emotional abuse, harming your children by depriving them of a nuclear family, and concern about how friends and family will perceive them are commonly-cited reasons why people may choose to stay in an unhappy marriage.
Can God save a broken marriage? ›It is God's perfect will for your marriage to be restored but your spouse has a free will and God won't force them to return. You need to be at a place where you are standing for your marriage because it is the RIGHT thing to do.
Will God bless a second marriage? ›Historically, Christian traditions haven't agreed on the answer to this question. Catholicism has taught that if a person's first marriage ended in divorce, God won't bless a second one. Many Protestant traditions hold that since there are biblically justifiable grounds for divorce, God can bless a second marriage.
Does God promise to save my marriage? ›God doesn't promise believers they will get married, but He does promise that all believers will be His bride at the wedding feast of the lamb. The promise that He will never leave us nor forsake us. Marriage is a sacred covenant before God.
How do you know if God doesn t want you in a relationship? ›You will know when God is behind a relationship or when Satan is behind a relationship based upon how this relationship is affecting your connection to Christ. If you feel more and more distant from God the closer you get with this person, this is a sign God does not want you in this relationship.
Is it biblical to walk away from a relationship? ›In fact, the Scriptures are full of teachings instructing us to leave relationships with wicked or evil people, to be separate from them, to shun, outcast, and purge them from our midst. (1 Corinthians 15:33, Proverbs 13:20, Psalm 1:1, Proverbs 6:27, 1 Corinthians 5:11, 1 Corinthians 10:13 – these are just a few).
What does God say about letting go of someone you love? ›Romans 12:19 ~ Letting go
Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.
Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven." I take solice in the fact that judgment does not come until the end of our days, and I have Jesus Christ as my advocate to ask for mercy from YHWH so I do believe divorce can be forgiven by God because the Holy Bible tells me so.
When should I leave a marriage? ›Some of the signs that can make you say "I want to leave my husband" can include any abuse (physical, sexual, verbal, or psychological), infidelity, when your partner continues to break trust, or when the relationship has become unhealthy.
What is the best way to leave a marriage? ›- 1) Gather Documents & Keep Records. ...
- 2) Open a Separate Bank Account & Create Your Own Budget. ...
- 3) List Property & Other Assets. ...
- 4) Plan the Logistics of Your Exit. ...
- 5) Contact a Divorce Lawyer. ...
- 6) To Tell Your Spouse Or Not.
What does the Bible say about a difficult wife? ›
[7] An evil wife is a yoke shaken to and fro: he that hath hold of her is as though he held a scorpion. [8] A drunken woman and a gadder abroad causeth great anger, and she will not cover her own shame. [9] The whoredom of a woman may be known in her haughty looks and eyelids.
What Scripture says about betrayal in marriage? ›Proverbs 6:32 - But the man who commits adultery is an utter fool, for he destroys himself. Hebrews 13:4 - Give honor to marriage, and remain faithful to one another in marriage. God will surely judge people who are immoral and those who commit adultery. Exodus 20:14 - You must not commit adultery.
What Psalms are for broken marriages? ›Psalm 107:10-11, 34 testify that a broken marriage is evidence of unconfessed and unrepentant sin. A person is not aware of or easily able to see their own sins and so does not naturally seek reconciliation. This meeting with the couple helps bring men and women to where they need to be.
When a marriage is not worth saving? ›“A marriage may not be worth saving if your partner refuses to work on anything or take responsibility for creating a joint life,” Sherman says. “If they call all the shots and none of your needs are ever heeded, you may decide that the only way to create a healthy relationship is by yourself or with someone new.”
What is gaslighting in a marriage? ›The term gaslighting became popular in the 1960s. It is used to describe the manipulation of another person's perception of reality. Gaslighting is a common tool used by narcissistic and abusive spouses to control their partners. When done correctly, gaslighting can make a spouse doubt their own senses and memory.
When you realize your marriage is over? ›Your relationship leaves you constantly feeling drained.
Even if you're not constantly fighting, that doesn't mean your relationship can't leave you feeling utterly depleted. If every second you spend with your spouse makes you feel emotionally and physically drained, that's one of the signs your marriage is over.
Signs This Is True in Your Relationship
You don't feel comfortable being who you are; you feel like your partner is judging you. Your partner mistreats you in some way. You feel bad about yourself and your interests, and you may even try to change who you are and what you like.
What Is a Walkaway Wife? Also referred to as the "neglected wife syndrome" and "sudden divorce syndrome," walkaway wife syndrome is "nothing more than a term used to characterize a person who has decided they cannot stay in the marriage any longer," says Joshua Klapow, Ph.
What are the signs a marriage is over? ›- Lack of Sexual Intimacy. ...
- Frequently Feeling Angry with Your Spouse. ...
- Dreading Spending Alone-Time Together. ...
- Lack of Respect. ...
- Lack of Trust. ...
- Disliking Your Spouse. ...
- Visions of the Future Do Not Include Your Spouse.
- There's no emotional connection. ...
- Communication breakdown. ...
- Aggressive or confrontational communication. ...
- There's no appeal to physical intimacy. ...
- You don't trust them. ...
- Fantasising about others. ...
- You're not supporting each other and have different goals. ...
- You can't imagine a future together.
How do I get the courage to leave my unhappy marriage? ›
...
5 Ways to Find The Courage (You Already Have) to Leave
- Keep a journal. ...
- Find Some Joy. ...
- Cut Yourself Some Slack. ...
- Don't Rationalize Bad Behavior. ...
- Find Support. ...
- Ignore Bad Relationships Advice.
Aside from being in a relationship where you or your children's safety is at risk, unhappiness may not actually be a good reason to end a relationship. Our partner was not created to make us happy, just like we are not expected to make our partners happy.
Can you stay in a loveless marriage? ›Every marriage is different. However, even loveless marriages can be saved, so do not give up so easily on yours. Your current situation might seem bleak and hopeless. There are a few things you can do to take your relationship in the right direction.
Is it selfish to leave an unhappy marriage? ›No, it is not selfish to leave an unhappy marriage. In fact, it is one of the signs of low self-esteem and lack of self-respect if you overstay in equations that make you feel bad about yourself.
Why do miserable couples stay together? ›Prior research has looked at the baseline tendency for people to maintain the status quo. Investment theory says people stay in relationships to protect their sunk resources, only leaving if it is really worth it—for a better alternative mate, infidelity, and other serious problems and strong motivators.
How do you save a marriage when only one is trying? ›- See a Marriage Counselor. A marriage counselor is a professional who can help sort out any issues in your marriage. ...
- Know Your Reasons. Why do you want to save your marriage? ...
- Work on Yourself. ...
- Empathize With Your Spouse. ...
- Communicate But Don't Be Needy.
Marriages can be broken beyond repair when trust, empathy, and commitment are damaged past a certain point (like a destructive affair); even the best marriage counselor in the world cannot help you put the pieces back together again.
What is the powerful prayer for marriage restoration? ›We need you to restore us; I ask you to restore us oh Lord and to help us find the way back to each other and you again. I ask you to renew in me and both of us, us a willing spirit. Help me to not point fingers or respond defensively. Teach me how to listen to ______________ and to really hear.
Do second marriages usually last? ›While many couples see remarriage as a second chance at happiness, the statistics tell a different story. According to available Census data, the divorce rate for second marriages in the United States is over 60% compared to around 50% for first marriages.
What is the purpose of a second marriage? ›The biggest benefit of a second marriage is gratitude. Whatever the reason for a divorce, finding love again and exchanging vows feels like a second chance. Many couples are determined to do everything they can to make things work next time around. While not every second marriage is guaranteed, a couple can thrive.
What are the forbidden marriages in the Bible? ›
Among the forbidden couples are parent-child, sister-brother, grandparent-grandchild, uncle-niece, aunt-nephew, and between half siblings and certain close in-laws. This "Levitical law" is found in Leviticus 18:6-18, supplemented by Leviticus 20:17-21 and Deuteronomy 27:20-23. Photo illustration, Shutterstock, Inc.
Will God tell you to leave your marriage? ›Does God tell you to leave your husband? 1 Corinthians 7:10-11, “To the married I give this charge (not I, but the Lord): the wife should not separate from her husband (but if she does, she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband), and the husband should not divorce his wife.”
Does God want you to stay in a loveless marriage? ›Even if you did not say the words while exchanging marriage vows, the biblical standard is that marriage is for better or for worse. Jesus taught this in Matthew 19:6 when He said: “Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.”
Does God want me to let go of my marriage? ›The Lord is always faithful. He is for you and He always wants the best for you. You have to let go of your spouse. You cannot hold on to another person as if they were your possession to keep.
What are the three sins against marriage? ›In marriage, there are also “deadly sins.” I call those deadly sins: abuse, addiction and adultery — or “The Three As.” These deadly sins, if present in a marriage, are difficult to overcome.
Can a bad marriage be saved? ›Financial troubles, health concerns, extended family conflicts, parenting issues, and other stresses can put a lot of strain on a marriage. But if these problems are managed (through counseling, social support, self-care, and other strategies), then you may find that your marriage can also be saved.
What is the greatest sin in marriage? ›Betrayal is known as the worst sin in marriage and for good reason. There are many different types of betrayals, such as: A husband having an affair. A friend turning his back on another person.
What does the Bible say about resolving conflict in marriage? ›Romans 12:19
When it comes to conflict resolution in marriage, however, God's people are encouraged to let go of the impulse for revenge and to turn the conflict over to God. Allow God to work on your spouse's heart and allow Him to fight on your behalf.
Markman and Dr. Stanley identify what they call the 4 warning signs that reflect the deterioration of a relationship: escalation of negativity, invalidation, negative interpretation and avoidance and withdrawal. These are the first 4 deadly sins that will destroy your marriage.
What kills a good marriage? ›- You don't help around the house.
- You're negatively influenced by your friends.
- You value money over your marriage.
- You snore.
- You watch too much television.
- You're stressed about money.
- Your intimacy is too intense.
- You avoid conflict.
What is the 3 rule in marriage? ›
The 3x3 Rule! Basically, you and your partner get 3 hours a week of uninterrupted alone time. You can take those 3 hours all at once OR break it up into a half hour here, an hour there, etc. You also get 3 hours of uninterrupted TOGETHER time.
At what point is a marriage not worth saving? ›“A marriage may not be worth saving if your partner refuses to work on anything or take responsibility for creating a joint life,” Sherman says. “If they call all the shots and none of your needs are ever heeded, you may decide that the only way to create a healthy relationship is by yourself or with someone new.”
When should you walk away from a marriage? ›There are times you MUST leave—if there is ongoing abuse or if you are in danger of physical harm, you should only consider staying safe. Repeated bouts of addiction, cheating, emotional badgering, and severe financial abuse need to be handled with extreme care as well.
What is the number one unforgivable sin? ›One eternal or unforgivable sin (blasphemy against the Holy Spirit), also known as the sin unto death, is specified in several passages of the Synoptic Gospels, including Mark 3:28–29, Matthew 12:31–32, and Luke 12:10, as well as other New Testament passages including Hebrews 6:4–6, Hebrews 10:26–31, and 1 John 5:16.
What is God's punishment for adultery? ›"`If a man commits adultery with another man's wife--with the wife of his neighbor--both the adulterer and the adulteress must be put to death. "`If a man sleeps with his father's wife, he has dishonored his father. Both the man and the woman must be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads.