Here’s How To Know If You’re Unhappy Marriage Is Really Worth Saving (2023)

Look, you all have seen the stats. The chances of ending up in a lasting marriage are essentially based on a coin toss. But sometimes, recognizing that your marriage has gone from heart eyes to anger—or worse, indifference—can be tough to spot.

That said, unhappy marriages are pretty common, says Marni Feuerman, PsyD, a marriage therapist in Boca Raton and author of Ghosted and Breadcrumbed: Stop Falling for Unavailable Men and Get Smart About Healthy Relationships.

In many cases, Feuerman explains, marriages suffer from communication issues that one partner recognizes and the other refuses to acknowledge. This might happen because one person’s life goals have shifted, or they feel like their concerns are never taken seriously. In other cases, both partners find themselves trapped in unhealthy patterns (constant bickering, for example) and detach because they’re just too exhausted.

But, finding yourself in an unhappy marriage doesn’t mean it has to be the end. If both people are willing to show up, talk it out, and work on their relationship, there could be hope. "Sometimes marriages go through a tough time—and that’s fine, everyone does," says Tracy Ross, LCSW, a couples and family therapist in New York. "But are you trying to address it, and, even if you’re not successful in the beginning, are both people showing up for that conversation?"

That mutual desire to fix the marriage is key, and sometimes, it takes an expert to uncover the cracks. Whatever the outcome, by pinpointing the tensions in your marriage, you’ll have an opportunity to find happiness with your spouse, with someone new, or on your own. The tricky part is figuring out whether you’re simply going through a marital rough patch, or if you’re actually in an unhappy marriage. Luckily, these are the 18 expert-informed signs to help you figure that out:

1. You’re not having sex.

Sure, everyone’s libidos are different, but if you and your partner go from getting it on multiple times a week to every few months, there's a good chance at least one of you is feeling rejected and unwanted. "What makes marriage romantic is the combination of physical and emotional intimacy that’s reserved for just the two of you," says Feuerman.

Affection like this is rarely duplicated in other relationships, making it especially unique, she adds. So, when your desire for your partner or their desire for you starts to peter out, it can sting something fierce and lead to resentment that drives you apart.

2. You have divorce fantasies.

Imagining you’re married to someone else or single isn’t always something to worry about. However, routinely fantasizing about a life without your partner or comparing your actual life to an imaginary one in which you’re married to someone else is a sign that you’re no longer feeling some or all of the qualities that once attracted you to your spouse. And if you’re okay with the idea of a life sans your spouse, you probably don’t actually want a life with them.

3. You minimize each other’s concerns.

Oftentimes, says Feuerman, unhappy marriages are rooted in imbalances where one person thinks they’re superior to their partner and dismisses their spouse’s feelings. This one’s a big no-no because it defeats the whole equal partnership thing—a pretty big deal in marriage.

If you find yourself constantly vying for the upper hand in discussions with your spouse, you might want to sit down with a therapist one-on-one and figure out why you don’t see value in what your partner has to say (or vice versa) and how this might impact your marriage.

4. All your time feels like alone time.

If even when you’re chilling on the couch with your partner, you feel like they aren't in-the-moment engaging with you, and instead, seem more interested in their phone, it could be a sign you two aren’t on solid ground anymore.

5. The fun’s gone.

It might sound simple, but a disconnect in a relationship can be linked to humor, says Feuerman. With all the run-of-the-mill disagreements and compromises that come with marriage, it’s important for couples to find the lightness when things get heavy because "laughter is a great healer," she says. If you and your partner can no longer joke and laugh things off, it means the two of you are in a negative rut that you might need help getting out of.

Breakups are tough, but sometimes they're for the best:

6. They’re no longer your confidant.

Relationships of every kind need transparency to last. Feuerman’s not saying you can never keep certain things private, but sharing deets about the career-changing project you’ve just been assigned at work or the news about your sister’s pregnancy with your spouse is kind of a given. So, if you find yourself offering more detail about your life to your neighbors than your beau, you might have some trust issues to work out.

7. You feel neglected.

If you’re feeling lonely and hurt, lean into that, Feuerman advises. By digging deeper, you’ll be able to identify what’s making you feel abandoned by your partner, whether it’s their endless stories about how great their new gym buddy is. or that they routinely dedicate all their time and attention to your kids, leaving you in the dust.

Once you pinpoint the source of these feelings, you’ll be able to tell your partner what you need from them and explain why their actions make you feel especially vulnerable. You’ll know you need to reach out for third-party help if your partner doesn’t see a problem with your loneliness, or if they outright tell you they’re distancing themselves from the marriage on purpose.

8. Everything they do gets under your skin.

Does the sound of your partner’s chewing make the hairs on your body stand on end? Are you wondering about whether they've always spoken into the phone so loudly? Or if they've always taken those ridiculously long showers?

When the little things start feeling like big ol’ annoyances, there’s a chance the way you see your spouse is starting to shift, says Feuerman. In these cases, she explains, "there’s always something deeper and more individualized going on." Meaning: This is a you problem.

This is where one-on-one sessions that supplement couples counseling can really make a difference. Perhaps you’re feeling taken for granted; maybe they’ve taken on more at work and you’re missing them. Whatever it is, without shaming your spouse in front of your therapist, you can use a personal session to get to the bottom of why you’re suddenly rolling your eyes at their every move.

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9. One of you cheated.

Even if you and your partner thought you’d moved on after one of you had an affair, you might still be harboring feelings of resentment that you’ve shoved deep down. Pain from unhealed wounds can manifest themselves in a number of ways, including guilting your partner for something you said you’d forgiven them for and struggling to trust them.

You don't need to forget the infidelity ever happened, says Feuerman, but if you and your spouse can’t seem to move past it after giving it your best shot, you might have to just admit you’re unhappy and discuss getting outside help, taking time apart, or separating altogether.

10. They’re keeping secrets.

Maybe you aren’t working through issues of infidelity, but you suspect your partner has a relationship on the side because they’ve stopped offering details about their day or their stories about where they’ve been aren’t adding up.

A spouse being vague in order to cover up an affair or substance abuse struggles is a very common relationship stressor that, if not addressed, might push you and your partner toward splitsville, says Feuerman.

11. Most of your conversations turn into arguments…

This one’s a little more obvious, but Feuerman says spouses tend to downplay arguments and disagreements as "normal couple happenings" when, in fact, they’re important signals indicating you and your partner don’t want the same things out of life.

Instead of minimizing your spats as common reactions, consider what you’re arguing about, whether you’re picking fights to cover up your hurt, and how often you have the same arguments. You might find that you and your spouse are simply going through what you think are the healthy motions of marriage when you actually just might not be a good fit for each other anymore.

12. …or you don’t even argue at all anymore.

Ross calls these "the cold fights," which can feel worse than having verbal arguments. This can manifest in different ways: You or your spouse are pushing down feelings, you're withdrawn and turning inward, and/or you don't bring up aspects of the relationship that are bothering you. Sure, a lot of fighting is worrisome, but no fighting at all? That means the two of you don’t think there’s anything left worth fighting for in your relationship.

The fix is for you and your partner to come up with a different method for conflict resolution, such as writing down your feelings so you can better articulate them to your partner instead of stewing in anger or indifference. When you decide on a method that works best, go back to your spouse and try to hear them out one last time (note: with an open mind), say what you have to say, and then try to come up with a resolution together. If that doesn’t work, take your problems to a professional who can help you work through it.

13. You can’t do commitment.

Though you might have thought it was at first, monogamy isn’t for everyone, and it might not be for you. It’s common in unhappy marriages for one person to feel like they’re missing out on life because they’re "tied down" to someone or feel like they were rushed and pressured into marriage before they were ready. Feuerman often works with clients who get married because they didn’t want to be alone and others who do it because they felt like they had to by a certain age and later realize marriage doesn’t actually align with their values.

If this sounds like you, tell your partner how you’re feeling and do what you need to in order to feel happy. That can mean divorce, separation, an open marriage, polyamory… you have options, you just have to find what’s right for you.

14. You feel like you’re under a microscope.

Sure, there’s no avoiding a little feedback from your spouse every now and again, but if nonstop criticism about how you organize the pantry leaves you feeling like you can’t do anything right, there’s a good chance your marriage is lacking some very crucial TLC. "Marriage, partnerships, relationships are about being accepted for who you are" so, when that stops happening you’ve got trouble, says Feuerman.

15. They’re always on the defensive...

Talking to someone who's in denial can feel like repeatedly banging your head against a wall. And a spouse who refuses to attempt to understand your worries or apologize for how they’ve made you feel is especially frustrating because their denial is a major roadblock to repairing your relationship.

A successful marriage calls for compromise, shutting up to listen, and making a sincere effort to see things from your partner’s point of view. All in all, marriages require empathy. If your spouse doesn’t feel for you when you’re hurting and refuses to get help to improve your relationship when you express how that affects you, it might be time to move on.

16. ...Or they don't recognize there's a problem at all.

"There’s no getting back on track in a marriage if both people don’t want to face their issues head-on," Feuerman says. So, if your spouse doesn't see anything that needs repair in your marriage, there's a slim chance you'll be able to get back on track considering only one of you thinks you've derailed.

17. You're increasingly more attracted to other people.

When you get married, it's not like you suddenly have to wear blinders that keep you from finding other people attractive. But if you've had recurring thoughts about emotionally cheating on your spouse, are flirting with other people regularly, or spending time with someone in a way that would bring on a heap of guilt if your partner found out, you're pulling away from your marriage, says Feuerman. Chances are there's something missing from your marriage that you're searching for in other relationships.

18. You have different agendas.

Say you want children and your spouse doesn't. Say you see marriage as a way to deepen a relationship with a partner, and your spouse felt saying "I do" was only important for tax purposes.

If you're together for different reasons, it's not unusual for these opposing beliefs to drive a wedge between you two. And if you can't find a middle ground, you might have to find other people whose goals mirror yours.

Can you revive an unhappy marriage?

The short answer: Yes. But just because you can resuscitate a marriage on life support doesn’t mean it won’t be hard work.

When it comes to working on an unhappy marriage, Ross says it takes more self-work than anything. One person can’t point fingers and play the blame game; it takes both parties acknowledging and owning up to their role in getting to Unhappy Harbor. And, in her opinion, Ross believes couples who have children have to work extra hard to salvage the relationship.

"If both people are willing to look at it, work at it, and take responsibility for it, then it’s probably a marriage worth saving," Ross says.

Some of that intrinsic work, Ross says, might involve asking tough questions: Do you love the person? Can you listen to each other and have uncomfortable conversations? Can you be vulnerable, even just a little bit? You also have to address the elephant in the room: Do you actually still want to be married to this person?

"You can’t tell someone 'You need to change A, B, C, and D' because it honestly just doesn’t work. You have to be willing to look at yourself," Ross says. "It’s really about turning the lens around onto yourself and not onto your partner. That’s not an instant thing. It’s a process to get there—to peel it away and unpack it. Then, the dynamic loosens up and the defenses get lowered and you can see what is there."

Ultimately, if there is a "strong foundation and a basis of friendship and intimacy," as well as just a deep sense of care for one another, Ross says that’s a good starting point to addressing the issues.

Ross often hears that people in unhappy marriages don’t have time for each other. But, if your marriage is truly a priority, you’ll fit it into your schedule—just like you do with your other priorities, she says. If you’re struggling to move your marriage to the top of that list, Ross has some tips:

1. Be intentional about making time for each other. "When you have that time together, you want to really practice being curious about each other. It’s not assuming you know everything about what that person is thinking, doing, or feeling," Ross says. This doesn’t have to take up a lot of time. Maybe pencil five-minute check-ins with your spouse into your schedule throughout the day. "When you do that, you don’t feel lonely," she explains.
2. Don’t rely on other people to fill your emotional needs. "If someone else is your emotional anchor—if there is a third in the relationship—you have to cut that out," Ross says.
3. Have fun with each other. And Ross really means fun. Don’t try to have errands be your fun time. Make it light, fun, or even pleasurable. Ross tells her clients to do something just because your partner wants to do it. Start there, and see where it takes you.

What if it really is time to end my marriage?

Now, with all of that being said, some marriages aren’t worth saving at all. For those in an abusive relationship, it’s important to get out safely. "You cannot fix another person," Ross says. "It’s not your fault."

When in an abusive marriage, you might notice a change in yourself. Maybe you’re jumpy and feeling insecure about your relationship. You may also avoid friends out of fear they’ll pick up on something. It can even manifest physically with a change of appetite or lack of sleep.

Recognizing you’re in an abusive relationship can be difficult, Ross says, because abuse can be both overt and subtle. Ross recommends having a trusted confidant to turn to when you’re feeling uneasy to offer a reality check. "When you’re alone in it, you really don’t know 'Is this okay?'" Ross says. She also suggests keeping a private list of moments that make you feel wary, then finding a calm moment to reflect on the behaviors exhibited in your partner. T"he shame about admitting [what's wrong] keeps a lot of people from getting help," Ross says.

If you’re in an abusive relationship and need help, you can call, text, or chat with the National Domestic Violence hotline. Call 1-800-799-7233 and/or text "START" to 88788.